


we could break each others hearts

by Stinacat



Series: Borderline [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Freewood - Freeform, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mental Health Issues, and conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:53:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2439164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stinacat/pseuds/Stinacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It could've happened at a better time, but now it has and Ryan tries not to worry about it</p>
            </blockquote>





	we could break each others hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to OakTreeDruid, as per usual, for listening to me talk at you about sad Ryan and offering some lovely insight (if you haven't read her fics yet go and do it, you're missing out. I am and always will be jealous of her writing). Part two in the Borderline Verse. All things going well, there will hopefully be a lot more, I like this verse.
> 
> Again, the title is from Geoff's AMA, and this picks up directly where we left off! Enjoy again!

Again Ryan thinks he can feel the ghost of lips, this time on top of his head, and almost against his will his brain drifts off on a dangerously what-if tangent. All it would take would be to turn his head up and he’d definitely get to feel Gavin’s lips, what if he did it? What if he shifted, just a little closer, until they were even more hopelessly tangled around one another? What if all the casual flirting actually went somewhere?

 

It really fucking scares Ryan when Gavin unwraps his arms like he’s literally fucking heard Ryan’s thoughts and he’s moving away (although it’s encouraging to Ryan that he doesn’t actually think that’s the case; Gavin’s just a fidgeter). Except then Gavin’s long-fingered hands slide onto either side of Ryan’s face and he tilts his head up and Gavin's looking at him contemplatively. Ryan looks up like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

And it’s such a reversal of their normal dynamic; normally Ryan’s the one who’ll keep going until Gavin gives off with a shout of ‘Ryan!’ like he can’t believe Ryan’s said whatever he just did, but a dazzling smile that says he expected it (wanted it) the whole time.

 

Ryan has no idea how he ends up pinned beneath Gavin – or how Gavin pins him at all, because he must be 110 pounds soaking wet – with Gavin’s lips pressed against his. Just that it had happened (was happening) and he was starting to wonder a little bit if Gavin can indeed read minds. It’s not insistent or like Gavin’s trying to take anything; he’s asking if Ryan will let him.

 

And even if Ryan’s a bit of a mess he’s not an idiot, not going to pass up the chance of something that could be spectacular because of bad timing. Not if the what if will haunt him for the rest of his life.

 

For someone with an awful gag reflex Gavin is amazing with his tongue, Ryan finds that out within about two seconds of opening his mouth to the other man. He can feel Gavin smirk when he lets out a surprised noise, which is swallowed down almost gleefully.

 

Gavin pulls away and Ryan just looks up at him, because he can’t believe that just happened, or that Gavin seems perfectly fine with it evolving further. His hands come up to rest on either side of Ryan’s face, fingers tracking the flush that’s spreading across his cheeks, and his thumbs trail under Ryan’s eyes, wiping away the last moisture left there. He leans down and kisses Ryan’s cheekbones almost tenderly (Ryan asks himself why that’s so much scarier than his mouth), and when he pulls back again it’s only halfway. Gavin’s looking at him with a softness on his face Ryan doesn’t think he’s ever seen before.

 

“You’re so pretty Ryan.”

 

He says is completely earnestly, Ryan can see it in his eyes. " You haven't even seen me all dressed up yet." Comes out of Ryan's mouth before he realises what he's saying, but on reflection that's how he and Gavin normally work so it feels perfectly okay.   
  
  
  
There's a flash of something in Gavin's eyes before he lets out a squawk of laughter and Ryan stores that away for later - doesn't even tell himself off for assuming there will be a later, or a next time, because already Gavin's proven intoxicating and Ryan thinks he's one of the things he can't say no to. He certainly hasn't done well so far.  
  
  
  
Gavin kisses him again, using his hands to tilt Ryan's head just right. For now Ryan doesn't know where or how far it's going to go, just that Gavin's mouth is soft and pliant and the scratch of a couple of days without shaving for both of them is the best kind of burn.  
  
  
  
He gets so lost in it he's surprised when he feels Gavin's fingers skating over his ribs, with the obvious intent of venturing further. Ryan only thinks of stopping for a split second, and only because for a moment he remembers they'd only just kissed, but then he remembers nearly a year of slowly escalating flirtation and he thinks fuck it.  
  
  
  
And he's always been awful at denying himself.  
  
  
  
Fingers toy at the waistband of his boxer briefs and Ryan hadn't expected Gavin to be so bold. He feels bad, for a moment, that they haven't done this sooner, and that he's obviously got to re-evaluate the other man. Except then Gavin's hand closes around the head of his - painfully hard, he realises belatedly - cock and Ryan really can't help the moan that leaves his mouth as his eyes flutter shut.    
  
  
  
He can feel Gavin's smirk in his gaze, and it makes him shiver even as he pushes his hips up, seeking more friction. Gavin sits more fully on top of him so that he can't do it again, and continues to move his hand slowly, squeezing whenever he reaches the head. Ryan can feel himself pouting and Gavin's thumb slides over his bottom lip. "Don't be a minge Ryan. Just let me make you feel better." He says in a soft voice. Ryan can feel that he's hard too, through the soft material of his pants against Ryan's stomach, but the only indication that Gavin wants to do something about it is the little aborted thrust he makes when Ryan flicks his tongue out and against the thumb on his lips, and then takes it inside his mouth.

 

Ryan makes himself open his eyes and he can’t really believe that Gavin’s settled on top of him, hard and wanting with a hand wrapped around Ryan’s cock, stroking slowly. Gavin seems mesmerised at the sight and feel of his thumb in Ryan’s mouth, but Ryan isn’t really surprised; Gavin’s a person who is all about the _feel_ of things.

 

Ryan makes a note to ask where Gavin learned to give handjobs to people other than himself, because the twist of his wrist, the slide and the pressure are all fucking _perfect_ and if Ryan thought Gavin would care he’d be embarrassed at how quickly he’s on the edge. He moans around Gavin’s thumb and it swipes over his bottom lip again and when Gavin’s eyes catch his Ryan definitely can’t believe the heat in them – or how dark they’ve got or how much Ryan wants to be the one taking him apart, very purposefully and bit by bit in the best way.

 

Gavin tightens his hand around the head of Ryan’s cock again and bites his lip and Ryan really isn’t going to last much longer. “Come on Ry, come for me.” His voice has dropped gravel rough and it almost sounds like a purr in his accent, and Ryan just can’t stand it, he hears himself gasp Gavin’s name and he’s sure he bites down on the thumb in his mouth.

 

He might even lose track a little, which is a shame because by the time he’s paying attention again Gavin lets out a little choked off moan above him and comes, and Ryan doesn’t think about it, just finally feels like he can move properly a little further out of the heavy fog that’s been swirling around him, he reaches up and pulls Gavin down to him, their mouths crashing together.

 

Gavin giggles a little bit into Ryan’s mouth, sitting up a little. He brushes a hand through Ryan’s hair, blunt fingernails scratching against his scalp. “Go get a shower.”

 

Ryan wants to just lie there for a while, he likes the feeling of Gavin pressed against him, but they’re covered in sweat and cum, so staying put is definitely a messy idea. Still, he tangles a hand in Gavin’s hair and pulls him closer again, nosing into his neck. Ryan doesn’t feel as tender as he did, not quite so out of it and in pieces, but still raw and a bit delicate.

 

Gavin laughs again and their cheeks brush together. “Didn’t peg you as a cuddler, Ry.”  It doesn’t sound like a complaint though, so he doesn’t take it as one. Gavin rests against him a moment longer and then leans back again, meeting Ryan’s eyes. He looks calculating for a second, though not in a nasty way, just like he’s assessing how Ryan feels. “Go get a shower.” He says again, softer.

 

“You should join me.” Ryan says with a quirk of his eyebrow.

 

-

 

Ryan’s trying, he’s really trying his best not to lose it. There’s two parts of his mind warring fiercely with one another as he stands – alone – under the shower spray, which he’s made so hot it’s turning him pink quickly.

 

On one hand, he knows, he _knows_ that Gavin wouldn’t sleep with him out of pity. Because Gavin isn’t that kind of person; that’s not to say he’s not a one night stand guy, but not with his friends. Rationally, he knows that. But there’s a little part of Ryan going ‘what if’ and eventually he growls in annoyance, because the only reason he’s feeling like this is because things had slipped out of his control through no fault of his own. He reminds himself to make a therapy appointment as soon as he can get in, because he refuses to let one week ruin everything he’s worked so hard to get over.

 

But then he realises that that’s the other problem, that the sex isn’t what’s making his throat tight and his eyes sting in an all too familiar way.

 

It’s that he feels broken all over again. Or, he’s more keenly aware of it than he is normally. It’s always kind of in the back of his mind, but in contrast to Gavin especially – who is vibrant and lively and beautiful – it’s the only thing he can think about.

  
Ryan really wants to be angry that he’s crying, leaning against the tiled wall with the hot shower spray pounding down over his shoulders, but he’s lost the energy again. Because flirting with someone who you think you know and understand most things about is completely different to sleeping with –or dating? He shouldn’t be thinking about that at all, definitely not – someone who’s lied by omission about something fundamentally important to who he is. Because what if his medication starts being less effective? Or what if it just stops working?

 

Of course, at the same time he’s telling himself he’s being  fucking moron and the _only_ reason he’s feeling the way he is and thinking the things he is – because he’d had a perfectly good weekend before Monday had rolled around and he’s _been fine_ – is because of other people and the privacy they’d invaded and the things they were saying and the anxiety thinking about going back to work and facing everyone is causing him.

 

The more he thinks about it (and conversely tries not to), the more the thoughts chase each other around in his head the more Ryan can feel himself getting closer and closer to an anxiety attack (for the second time in as many days, he hasn’t had that happen in years and it brings back awful memories) and he’s just trying to make himself _breathe_ when there’s a soft knock at the door.

 

“Ry? You’ve not drowned in the shower have you?” Gavin says quietly, sounding like he’s a bit amused at himself.

 

“M’fine.”

 

He must sound breathless or off or something because Gavin pauses for a few seconds and then says; “…You don’t sound fine. Is this about me not coming with? Cause I just wanted to make breakfast. Which is why I came to check on you, ‘cause it’s ready.”

 

Ryan thinks that should make him feel a bit better, because Gavin’s fucking made breakfast for Christ’s sake, but it just kind of makes him feel like Gavin’s too good for him even more. “No I’m…I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t have to be Ryan. Or…you can tell me if you aren’t.” Gavin hesitates for a second and Ryan tries to get himself under control. “Is it…is it because we…you know? Because I mean…It’s not just because…I feel bad or anything…I suppose it’s not great timing though…I just – and I might be completely wrong – but I thought we…you know, I thought it’d been going to happen for…for a while.”

 

“No!” Ryan says harshly. “No it’s not that. That was fine…good. That was good.”

 

It sounds like Gavin puts his forehead against the door. “Well that’s good…how about you come out and we’ll eat and you can talk to me.”

 

Ryan takes a deep breath and it sticks, so he does it a few more times until it isn’t so hard, and it doesn’t feel like it’s a conscious decision each time he breathes. “Yeah. Yeah okay.”

 

-

 

Ryan doesn’t like that the duvet isn’t on the bed or surrounding floor when he gets out and slips into a pair of sweatpants, but his questions are answered when he peers out into the living room and Gavin’s huddled under it on the couch, the coffee table holding a stacked-high plate of pancakes and two mugs of coffee.

 

Gavin gives him an encouraging little smile and lifts up the free side of the duvet like an invitation, and Ryan sees he’s just in his jeans and his hair’s gone the kind of artfully messy Ryan could never pull off.  So he gets under the familiar, warm blanket and picks up a pancake, and he’s pleasantly surprised at how good it is. When he tells Gavin, the younger man gets all smiley and a little bit of a blush spreads over his cheeks. “I learned some stuff from Geoff.”

 

It’s encouraging that Gavin doesn’t shy away from touching him, and downright makes Ryan nearly giddy when he shifts closer and pulls Ryan to rest against his chest. He barely thinks about it as he goes. They eat in a silence that isn’t altogether uncomfortable but Ryan can tell that Gavin wants to ask him questions. And he can’t well avoid them without the feedback loop of awful feelings coming back full force.

 

Thankfully, Gavin is very Gavin about it. “You wanna tell me what’s up Ryan?” He takes to stroking the fingers of one hand through Ryan’s hair in a soothing gesture.

 

Ryan fidgets with his own hands and contemplates how to say it. Part of him wishes they’d pushed the issue in better circumstances, but then he thinks it’s pointless to even contemplate because it’s happened now and Gavin’s not treating him any differently. Well, not in a bad way.  

 

He takes a breath, and then it all comes out tumbling over itself. “I feel like I’ve lied to you – and everyone. And I don’t-”

 

Gavin cuts him off straight away, his arm snaking around Ryan’s waist and squeezing. “Stop it. Stop it right now.” He sounds a little cross, if anything. “I told you; nobody feels anything except for worried for you and angry that some fuckwit would do something like this. And I’ll keep telling you until you feel like you believe me. Even if someone decided to be a prick and make an issue out of it,” He brushes his face alongside Ryan’s and finishes his sentence a lot more quietly by his ear. “Do you really think we’d let them? Do you think _I’d_ let them?” It’s fierce and protective and almost a growl when it comes out, and Ryan blinks. Does he? Ha hasn’t really considered it past deleted comments on videos and Michael’s replies on Reddit.

 

Ryan tries again, but what he thinks about saying and what leaves his mouth are completely different. “I’m not an easy person to be with, Gavin.” He inhales sharply when he realises what he’s just said, because they haven’t even talked about it properly.

 

But Gavin doesn’t stop the gentle scratch of his short fingernails or draw away from him or even tense. “Unless you’re telling me you’re not even interested in trying, I don’t think that’s up to you Ry.”

 

Again, he has to force words through the lump in his throat. “What do you…what does that mean?”

 

Gavin huffs, still right by his ear. “What do you think it means you minge, if I have to drag you back into work holding your hand and snog you in front of everyone to take some of the heat I’ll do it, don’t test me.”

 

It startles a laugh out of Ryan and he suddenly finds he can’t stop. Because Gavin’s a fucking idiot but he’s Ryan’s kind of idiot. Ryan’s been okay and not okay to varying degrees in his life and _that’s okay_.

 

Maybe it’ll all be fine.

 

He picks up another one of the pancakes when he’s calmed down a bit and chews contemplatively. “I feel like Geoff might have a heart attack if you – or if we – did that in the office.”

 

Gavin snorts and his fingers make little dimples in the skin of Ryan’s chest as he tightens them minutely. “Please, Geoff’s only argument against me coming to see you was that we’d spend more time shagging than talking and it wouldn’t be helpful.”

 

Ryan laughs again and it comes easier each time. “I mean…we’re lagging behind a bit on that front then…” He says, not a little suggestively. If he nudges Gavin’s hand a little further across to brush his nipple it’s definitely an accident…maybe.

 

“Plenty of time to fix that.”

 

It’ll definitely be fine, he decides.


End file.
